My father’s sudden death came as a big blow and took away the wind from my sails. I fell into a precipice of depression. In spite of all efforts, could not pull myself out of it. The efforts were  made with all my might, but somehow they were insufficient and ineffective. In a short time this gave birth to physical ailments in the form of prolonged flu like, symptoms and chest pain. Constant persuasion from close friends saw me seated at a general practioners chamber who subsequently referred me to a cardiologist. After checking my Echocardiogram, Blood Sugar and other vitals, he said, “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you physically, but such high pressure for a woman your age can only be attributed to an Anxiety Bout Syndrome”. He further referred me to a psychotherapist.
The board at the psychotherapist’s clinic- “Past Regression Therapist" hardly created any impact on me. Little did I know at the time, how I would be taken into a whirlpool of images, feelings and realities of my past. The therapist asked me to sit comfortably on the couch, dimmed the lights and asked me to close my eyes. She put on some very soothing music – I needed it as my nerves were tight and pulses were racing. Gradually with a soft, melodious voice wafting over the soft lulling music, she put my over wrought nerves to rest and goaded me gradually to start walking down the lanes and by lanes of my life. 
I did not require much persuasion to go back in time to when I was a little girl…..

Sister Louisa held out her hand to me. I put my hand in hers and walked beside her merrily, chatting as we walked over the green grass field. I was so happy. Mom, Dad, Sister and I had come to Darjeeling two days back. I had fallen in love with the place and had, had two of the best days of my life. That evening as a part of our outing we came to visit a convent school and I was so excited to see the beautiful gardens, campus, pretty chapel and the girls loitering about the field. Sister Louisa showed us around since we met her at the parlor. We had already seen the  dormitories, refectory and classrooms. 

I had so many questions as I walked on with my hand in hers. I wanted to know how long her hair was under the blue veil she wore, why she had worn the big cross around her neck in a blue nylon cord instead of a chain. My questions came much faster than she had time to reply. When we reached the end of the field, suddenly, she put her arm around my shoulder and said, “Come now Darling – say Goodbye to Mummy and Daddy, they will come tomorrow”. 

I was surprised, why were they going, didn’t they like the School or Sister Louisa? But I trusted Sister Louisa with all the trust of my 4 year soul and was upset that my family didn’t. I wanted to stay back, to show her how much I liked her and moreover I had so many questions to ask her yet. I turned back and waived to them knowing they would come and pick me up the next day. Cheerfully I went back to finding my answers. 

We crossed the basketball court where the big girls were having a match and Sister Louis took me to the small Grotto in the garden. I was so thrilled to see the statue of Mother Mary that I clapped, jumping up and down in merriment. 
“This is Mother Mary, mother of Jesus; from now on she will look after you just like she takes care of all her children.” Sister Louisa softly said. 
I was perplexed and replied “ Tomorrow my mother is coming, in another few days we are going back to Kolkata” 

“Sure, mummy and daddy will come tomorrow to take you home but just remember what I said, Mother Mary will take care of you even when you are back home and wherever you are. She will love you and you can come to her whenever you feel alone” Sister Louisa said, looking into my eyes with great love and warmth and I instinctively hugged her. I barely reached her knees. 

We went to the refectory and after saying prayers, I sat down to eat with 10 other girls at the table and Sister Louisa told me that all the girls on that table were in the KG class, just as I would be once I started going to school in Kolkata. I was as excited by the huge group as the refectory must have had another 100 girls of all heights, all seated in tables of 10. After a meal of chicken soup, bread and vegetables, we got up and said another round of prayers. 

Supper over, we were taken in queue to the dressing room where I was given a set of clothes, a pair of night pant and shirt with a kimono all in wool as it was cold and helped into them by a lady in a frock called Philomena. Sister Louisa had said that, Philomena would take care of me and put me to bed. She herself would be back the next morning. I was so far thoroughly enjoying the whole thing. Prayers were said kneeling beside our beds. I was tucked into bed under a layer of blankets. I fell asleep immediately and soundly, as I was so tired from all the excitement that I had through the day.
 
I awoke the next morning with the ringing of a brass hand bell followed by the sound of Sister Louisa’s voice in my ear saying “Wake up baby, have to get ready for school”. I opened my eyes immediately, jumped out of bed. Seeing that all the girls were kneeling beside their beds, I did the same and we said the morning prayers.

We descended the stairs in a queue to the dressing room below. 
"Brush your teeth and wash your face" Philomena said. 
I was helped into my clothes, of a blue woolen dress with multi colored boats and a belt with two pompom’s attached to the ends. I recognized it as the one mummy had been knitting since a month now but though I wondered how it got there I did not ask and after I put on my blue socks and black strapped shoes, Philomena did my shoulder length hair in two ponytails. 

After a breakfast of bread, cottage cheese and milk, I joined all the girls in the assembly in the hall. After the assembly Sister Blaize took me by the hand to class where she gave me a bag filled with books, pencils, rubbers and ruler and said they were mine. I took them from her and spent the day very happy,  knowing that it would all be over by day end and Mom and Dad would come and take me home with them.
 
In the evening at about 3 Pm, everyone was walking out of the class rooms, out into the field and out of the gate. I was so sure by now my family would be there. They must have missed me by now and I would see them waiving at me from afar with a look of jealousy in my sisters eyes at the fun I had. I wandered out of the gate and kept walking further and further, but they were not there. I turned all around; there were so many girls and so many parents but no one there for me. 

I kept wandering further, gradually a fear started rising from the pit of my stomach, creeping up to my chest and by the time it reached my throat it was alarm that clutched my throat and constricted it. I felt lost in the huge big world. I thought of Sister Louisa and turned back to go and find her but I had turned in all directions and the people around me loomed large over my head. I could no longer see the gate and had no idea where I had wandered. 

I seemed to be losing the faces of my family too. I felt I was floating further and further away from them into sea and panic clutched my heart and squeezed it so hard. Tears came to my eyes and rolled down my cheek in abandon. I tried desperately to recall Mother Mary’s face.  Sister Louisa had said that only she could help me. Through the blurred vision caused by the streaming tears, I could not see her. Just when I could have drowned in my fear, loneliness and desperation, with my head down, clutching my bag to my heart, Sister Louisa emerged and took me in her arms and hugged me tight saying “My child, my child, how did you get here, I was looking for you everywhere” 

“I’m looking for my Mummy and Daddy, I want to go home” I muttered through my sniffles and Sister Louisa with the greatest love and sadness in her eyes said 
“ I’m so, so Sorry Darling, they won’t be coming now, they have gone back to Kolkata" 
I stared at her in disbelief. 
"You will be staying with us in the boarding from now on. They have admitted you here and they will come on the next vacation”.
 
My tears stopped in their track and my heart constricted most painfully, thinking – how could they abandon me like this. I only wanted a day of fun and it did not deserve such a big punishment. However, no words came and I swallowed hard, the feeling of abandonment washing all over me. In my heart, I was lost to the world forever. I took Sister Louisa’s hand and walked in through the gate and into a world and life of sadness and hurt, which has remained in my eyes and face.

The next evening after school, during evening games hand in hand with Sister Louisa I was walking in the garden, when all of a sudden she took me towards the parlor and there, sitting on the sofa were mom, dad and my sister. Seeing me, tears in her eyes, mom came and hugged me followed by dad. Sister who is younger by a year came and held my hand. I was surprised, but cold and stiff. I did not pull away; there was no feeling or reaction. I was not even happy to see them, I just had no feeling.

“We should have prepared her for all of this, she hasn’t taken it well, I’m really sorry” Sister Louisa said holding my mother’s hand and looking with regret at my father.

The two days that I had spent in the company of strangers, the shock, the hurt, the abandonment that I had felt, could not be reversed by the simple words “I’m sorry” or the fact that they had not left for Kolkata after all or that they were there in front of me with all the love in their hearts. The sadness, loneliness and fear of loneliness remained forever.

With a light tap on my shoulder and a gentle voice the therapist said holding my hand “ wake up, now you are no longer a little girl of 4, you have left all that way behind………”

I opened my eyes, adjusted to the light, I was shivering and there were beads of perspiration on my forehead. Gradually the present came drifting into my consciousness.